The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing
Life Lessons Learned
I remind myself as I sit down that I am merely the channel through which the words flow- and it helps me to relax into the moment.
For years I have found solace in saying *just* the right thing at *just* the right moment to create harmony in dysfunctional spaces…
But what happens when you find yourself in spaces that feel safe? These habits and coping mechanisms don’t just magically go away- not without reflection and intentional choices.
There’s a monumental pressure that comes with being the Peacekeeper in a household where the most turbulent nervous system sets the tone for everyone’s experience.
There’s a lot riding on every choice in that case. It relies upon your ability to neglect your own needs and focus in like a laser on anticipating the needs of a deeply wounded soul.
After a while you just… lose yourself. Lost in the identity of your mask.
I notice myself slipping back into that mask any time I stop to wonder “does this make sense?” or “will this upset someone?” or “are my words too confronting?”
Then I pause, take a deep breathe, and remind myself that I am merely a channel. The soul of this piece is separate from me, and I am here to give it life, not to create magic out of thin air.
I remember that I am a creator, but I am not The Creator.
Then the pressure is off- at least for a moment.
We think of people pleasing as something that only harms the person who engages in it.
We know the familiar costs:
“empath burnout”
isolation
anxiety/ depression
increased risk of being in unhealthy power dynamics
self abandonment and neglect
loneliness
many acquaintances, but few friends
These things are real and deeply harmful to the person who engages in the people pleasing.
They say something like ‘intense isolation and loneliness is the equivalent of smoking an entire pack of cigarettes in one day’.
…but we rarely discuss the other side of the coin.
As a recovering people pleaser, this was crucial information for me- because the idea of abandoning myself was “easy” and “familiar”
But the concept of my behavior being harmful to other people was completely unacceptable to me.
This came to me after ending a 5 year relationship that just wasn’t working- after plenty of repair attempts.
I realized that my unwillingness to speak up for myself was enabling my partner to avoid his own accountability, radical responsibility and ultimately allowing him to stay in a cycle of avoidance.
It’s 1:11 on my clock as I write this, which makes me think of new beginnings.
That’s what happened after I chose to be honest with myself and others. A whole new world opened up for me. A new beginning.
Only in hindsight was I able to see all of the ways that my people pleasing harmed myself and others.
The Hidden Costs:
chronic pain/ chronic illness
preventing meaningful emotional connections
putting others on edge because they can’t sense your authenticity
passing judgment on other people
not trusting others to care for themselves
not trusting others to advocate for themselves
enabling the victimhood of others
enabling abusive behaviors in others
passing on ancestral trauma
This is not to shame myself or anyone else who participates in people pleasing (or “fawning” in the trauma world").
Only to bring illumination to a topic that has people overthinking, under-nourished, and desperate for connection.
When I stepped into my authenticity and authentic self expression, I reclaimed my personal power.
My relationships deepened, and many ended all together- but that was a good thing in retrospect. It created space for meaningful connection to come into my life.
I reclaimed my time and energy and emotional capacity.
That required grace and compassion for myself as I fumbled through many attempts at boundary setting and advocating for myself- often in ways that felt too intense, or “too honest”.
They say that anything you lose by being honest isn’t really a loss- it’s alignment.
Recently I saw a video of Dr. Gabor Mate discussing the conditioning of women in our American society.
He said that we are often conditioned “not to say no” and that it comes at a great cost to us. He went on to say that this causes devastating physical symptoms and illnesses among other consequences.
One thing that stood out to me from that interview was when he mentioned a study of married women. Some happily married, others unhappily married. He cited that the unhappily married women who voiced their unhappiness had similar outcomes to the group that was happily married.
Whoa.
He talked about how this phenomena was NOT about happiness- but instead it was about how they EXPRESSED themselves.
That hit me like a brick.
Every day I am confronted with more evidence and support to continue to use my voice.
Even when it shakes. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when it’s unpopular.
I hope that this gives someone reading the courage to do that for themselves too- because quite literally, our health is depending upon it.
Thanks for reading,
Danielle
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